Cayblogger - THE Cayman Islands' Blog Man

Residents Unite To Protest Parrot-arium

Outraged Cayman Islands residents gathered Monday evening to oppose what they called the “senseless and useless imprisonment of a Cayman treasure” after learning of plans to open a parrot attraction in our Islands.

More than 100 birds – including Cayman’s national bird the Green Parrot - will be housed in this aviary that is said to be, “very near to their natural environment,” according to project developer Gerry Dilbert.  But according to parrot activists from newly formed do-gooder group “Feathers = Freedom” this simply isn’t good enough.

“We feel parrots should fly free in the beautiful and spacious skies of Cayman,” said activist Jillie McVittie.  Those sentiments were echoed by Scotty Beauchamp who said, “We feel parrots should fly free in the beautiful and spacious skies of Cayman.”

At the first meeting of this new socially-sensitive watch-group, seven-year-old Matilda Wackenhut told Cayblogger, “We feel parrots should fly free in the beautiful and spacious skies of Cayman,” while her mother Sarah commented, “We feel parrots should fly free in the beautiful and spacious skies of Cayman.”

Cayblogger asked for a comment from Mr. Gilbert’s Macaw, but its only response was a bunch of unintelligible screeching and squawking, so I’m not quite sure what it was trying to say – but it looked happy, if that makes any difference.

During the meeting, the new group came up with their slogan which is “Feathers = Freedom - We feel parrots should fly free in the beautiful and spacious skies of Cayman.”

The new group also developed its logo which is a silhouette of a parrot flying through the air with a ball-and-chain around its tiny little leg – which as we all know is impossible because the green parrot does not have the wing speed or forward velocity to maintain itself in flight with a ball-and-chain around its leg. Unless of course it’s an African green parrot…but they’re non-migratory, as are balls-and-chains.

Hunger Strike Called Due To Weather

Unconfirmed reports are that Cayman’s first hunger-striker of the year has postponed his hunger strike due to bad weather.

Unbeknownst to Cuban refugee Dr Luarca, and in spite of the stellar forecast predicted by John Foster of CITN, a front moved through our area bringing with it wind and rain – two elements most unwelcome for hunger-strikers who ply their trade out of doors.

“It’s a shame really,” said American-born Cuban Francisco DeVaca-Miedo, regional vice president for Goya Foods from the United States and Dr Luarca’s corporate sponsor.  “We were looking forward to a successful hunger-strike, but the weather just wouldn’t cooperate even though the forecast was for partly cloudy skies with only a slight chance of rain.  Because of this, we have been forced to postpone – I mean, how can someone be expected to starve themselves in weather like this?”

Although unavailable for comment, the good doctor said through his sponsor he hopes to re-new his vigil once the weather gets better.

Wishing not to be identified, a high-ranking government official stated, “If he was smart, he would have waited until after the rainy season to start his hunger strike.  Any advances he might have made or weight he may have starved off are all for naught.  He’s got to start all over now.”

DaVaca-Miedo said his client will be put on a strict high-carb diet and a rigorous training regimen so he is properly prepared for his next attempt which should begin sometime in early spring – possibly at a more central location for maximum visibility.  Rackam’s, Hammerheads and Aqua Beach are a few sites Luarca’s team is scouting for the next attempt at a successful hunger-strike.

Cayblogger Slagged by Diane Sawyer

After receiving more than 2,000  hits in less than one week, Cayblogger got told off by a reader who goes by the name of 'Diane Sawyer.'

Diane Sawyer posted:  Wow - you certainly have a lot of time on your hands their cayblogger. I have a job for someone just like you - please do give me a call why don't you? 939- GET A LIFE!! 

Well Diane - if that is your real name - I called that number and much to my surprise got your answering machine.  I was going to leave a message but I figured getting back in touch with you this way was a bit more fun. 

A very special thanks goes out the rest of my readers for having a sense of humour.  Now if  you'll all excuse me I have to get back to searching for a job and a life.  Thanks for the tip "Diane."  Where would I be without you?

And for the record, Haywood is the post-er of the week.  Thanks for the comment Haywood - we'll keep it real and you keep the comments coming.

Customer Service Bar Raised 18"

In an effort to keep tourists from tripping and hurting themselves, the Cayman Islands Department of Tourism is raising the bar on customer service – taking it from ankle level to an unprecedented knee-high level.

“Far too many people were tripping over the customer service bar, so we had to raise the bar where people could see it and either step over it or walk around it,” said a high-ranking DoT official.  “We figure if we keep the customer service bar at a level of approximately 18 inches – or knee height – people will be able to safely avoid any negative consequences as a result of the bar of customer service being kept at such a low level.”

Presently, the low customer service bar is located at the Owen Roberts International Airport Customs Counter, and spends a great deal of time at Vehicle Licensing and the Immigration Department.

Published reports state the government has rededicated itself to talking about this issue once again and is encouraging people in the service industry to really think about doing something about it this time.  Seriously.

Next up on the government’s list of things to do – making sure the level playing field is actually level.

Dr Frank Blames Skin Colour For PPM Victory

What follows is as close as Rufus will come to reporting news - but I couldn't let this one slide. Dr Frank's comments are verifiable at CITN who holds the copy of his ego-driven television show containing his insensitive and socially irresponsible comments

After suffering a major bout of boredom and not really inclined to watch regular television, yours truly stumbled across a program on CITN featuring Dr. Frank McField spouting off what can only be described as excrement disguised as information.

Let me preface this by saying I think the good “doctor” is actually a PhD in sociology, so when it comes to saving lives he comes up wanting, and after you read the rest of this you’ll see why I think the term “doctor” is thrown around way too loosely in this particular context.

You all remember sociology, right?  It was that class in college that you didn’t have to buy the text book for and that you could sleep through and still make a B so long as you could define terms like “social mores” and “peer groups.”  I wasn’t aware they offered a doctoral programme in this dead science, but I guess you can still get a degree in Latin, so anything is possible.

Anyway, during “doctor” McField’s show he explained why the UPD got their butts kicked by the PPM and it all boiled down to skin colour.  That’s right, skin colour.  All those years of education and a PhD in sociology, and this is the stuff that comes flying out of his cake-hole.

Dr. Frank said he thinks the only reason Kurt Tibbetts is now the Leader of Government Business is because of his pigmentation.  That’s right – since Kurt Tibbetts is a lighter skinned black than the likes of “doctor” Frank, that is why he won.  This is how highly he thinks of the voters and citizens of Cayman.

Smacking of a 1970s skit from “Saturday Night Live” when Garrett Morris played a talk show host confronted by a black man saying just the same thing, “dr” Frank’s comments were not meant to be funny.  The only humour at all is knowing that he was actually serious.

At the end of the day, Kurt Tibbetts sits at the head of the LA and “dr” Frank is selling over-priced blenders and coffee-makers at The Strand.

Hats off to “dr” Frank for setting race relations and human rights advances in the Cayman Islands back about 125 years. I’m sure your fair-skinned child will have a much better chance at becoming a successful politician than you will. But what do I know?  I'm just a dark-skinned white person.

Good luck selling toasters.

Explosion Injures One Person And Ego

Emergency officials were called to the DMS Broadcasting Studios last Thursday following an explosion in the broadcast studio of Hot 104.1.

Upon arrival, emergency workers waded through the rubble to find Straight Talk show host and on-air personality Sandra Catron semi-conscious, apparently the victim of an explosion as the result of an over-inflated ego.

Failed political candidate and PPM staffer Catron was only slightly injured and is expected to make a complete and full recovery, as will her ego – this from medical workers on-site.  Emergency workers were a bit concerned, however, after finding Catron in the studio unable to speak – for the first time EVER.

“I’ve never known a time when Sandra couldn’t talk.  She’s always talking,” EMT Gordon Lichtenstein said.  “I mean, it’s always ‘blah, blah, blah’ about this and that – so when we found her unable to speak, we were truly concerned.”

Doctors at George Town Hospital said although severely injured in the explosion, Catron’s ego also will make a full and complete recovery.  “We expect Sandra to be able to re-inflate her own ego in no time,” said Dr. Sonjiraimapur Kurajinan Satitpunwaicha.

This news sparked concern for a great number of Hot 104.1 FM fans who, up until Catron took the air, really enjoyed the music programming.

“I mean one minute you’re jamming out to some nice tunes, and the next minute some big-mouthed lady is trying to convince you how smart she is and how much she knows,” said former Hot 104.1 FM listener Josie Malone.  “Giving her a talk show has got to be the worst programming decision in the history of broadcasting since NBC aired “Heidi” over the final minute of the Raiders / Jets game in 1968.”

Although not wishing to go on the record, a local station with a big capital letter in its call sign said they hope Catron gets back on the air quickly so that their station can once again win the afternoon drive time slot.

Ms. Catron is always available for comment, but in the interest of brevity, I simply did not have the inclination to ask for it.  Because we all know, when there’s nothing left to be said, Sandra is usually still saying it.

It's Official - Cayblogger Is A Hit!

After only three days and a handful of posts by blogger Rufus T McGilicutty (yours truly), Cayblogger is smash hit – to one reader.

Imagine my surprise and the groundswell of pride I felt when I awoke Saturday morning to a comment posted by “Long John” which stated, “Whoever you are, you are my hero. This stuff is great!”

Thanks Long John – I’ve never been a hero before, so knowing that I’m a hero to another grown man with nothing better to do on Friday evening than send boneheads like me emails of praise makes me feel all tingly inside.

After reading this comment, I immediately called Cable & Wireless to make sure they were going to be able to keep up with the onslaught of posts and comments after Long John’s ringing endorsement; and I was assured by C&W that they had the capacity.

In all seriousness, a sincere “thank you” and major props to Long John for getting me half way to my target annual response rate after only three days. LJ, I hope you keep on commenting and perhaps even submit a post for Cayblogger one day.

And if you know of any hot single chicks with nothing better to do on a Friday evening, you know who wants their comments. But if you knew any hot single chicks, I’m sure you’d be out with them on a Friday night instead of reading my blog.

Drive By Illiteracy

Just because the sign in front of the Vehicle Licensing Department in George Town isn’t spelled correctly, doesn’t mean staff members don’t take their jobs seriously, this from a government press release.

The release states:

We are awhere that the word “licencing” is on the sign when in fakt, the word “licensing” shood actually be there.

Whyle we understand sertain people’s contention that we shood repare the sign, we feel that the public gets the jist of what’s inside the billding, and feel confident that everyone nos to come to this billding to have there vehicles licenced.

But if you are unable to read do not waste your time coming heer  – illiterits will not be granted a driver’s licence.”

In further support of this laissez faire position toward the English language, representatives from vehicle licensing said that while you must be able to read to hold a driver’s license, the ability to spell correctly is entirely optional.

Local Cable Company Airs Bullshit!

In spite of the Cayman Islands’ implied code of morality, Grand Cayman’s cable company West Star TV Ltd continues to broadcast cable channel HBO's Bullshit! - a show that attempts to de-bunk certain behaviour and social phenomenon.

“If I say ‘Bullshit!’ to a cop, I get arrested,” said West Bayer Hennessey Courvoisier Ebanks.  “How can da cable comp’ny put Bullshit! like dat on tv?”

A number of residents complain that the show is offensive and contains not one iota of socially redeeming value.  While others say, what the world needs is more Bullshit!.

“Bullshit! is wicked awesome,” said Kennedy Carter, an ex-pat accountant from Boston. “With so much stupid stuff happening, Bullshit! pulls it all together in one concise, entertaining and informative show.  I capture a pirated satellite signal and I have a TiVO, so at my place there’s Bullshit! on TV every night.”

With HBO’s Bullshit! entering its third season, executives at the cable television giant are already talking syndication – even though they are two years away from that magical fifth season that makes syndication probable and profitable.  They feel they have enough Bullshit! ideas to create plenty of episodes of Bullshit! to keep Bullshit! flowing out of HBO studios and into our homes for a very long time.

“Our goal is to have as many episodes of Bullshit! on as many channels as possible,” said Aaron Yablonowitz, assistant to the secretary for the second unit production assistant of the show.  “We want to hit people with Bullshit! all over the world.”

With tens of millions of dollars backing the show, there’s no doubt that HBO’s cash cow will produce gold from Bullshit! for years to come.

West Star would not comment on any particular show, but reminds viewers that if shows like Bullshit! or Las Vegas Sexcapades or Busty Cops offends anyone, they have Three Angles Broadcasting Network and other religious channels running 24-hours a day.

Author's note:   I suggest on-line gambling as an alternative to Bullshit!

Road to Hell Not Paved With Good Intentions

After a two-day conference of the Public Works Department and the National Roads Authority, it was announced that the road to Hell in West Bay is NOT paved with good intentions, but rather with a multi-layer of marl and aggregate capped with hot asphalt.

After years of speculation, certain residents became suspicious about the material used to pave the road to Hell, and began asking questions.  The questions were posed by West Bay residents to NRA and Public Works officials during the conference, and the answers they received were puzzling.

“We been tol’ forever dat de road ta Hell it pave with good intentions,” said Goldenrod Dillweed of West Bay.  “Now we fine out dat not true.”

According to an NRA spokesperson, the road to Hell is actually paved with a moisture resistant asphalt mixture containing polymer and polyphosphoric acid modified bitumen.  It’s applied with an asphalt paving machine with automatic screed controls to ensure an even broadcast of material before being leveled by a rolling steel-wheeled compactor.

“Polly fornicate bite de mon… what?” said Mr. Dilweed.  “I jus wish de pave da road wit good intentions like de say.”

The conference was adjourned after two days and prior to determining if a mountain can actually be constructed of a single mole hill.