After repeated accusations sent to Cayblogger, it is time to bust the myth that Alan Markoff, senior staffer at the Caymanian Compass and all-around good guy, is a Communist spy.
However, we all know that he is in fact a Communist spy. His favourite colours are “red” and “pinko” and he can recite the Russian alphabet while goose-stepping to Tchaikovsky.
Alan Markoff (alias “Alanivitch Markovsky,” alias “Al ‘The Mole’ Markoffowitz,” alias “Shirley Dooyagood”) was placed here by the KGB in the early 1980s to observe Caymanian culture and report on the activities of our offshore financial industry. Markoff’s information ultimately led to the collapse of Communism and he is officially “persona non grata” in his Russian hometown of Grzbvkylmvxz.
Mr. Markoff could not immediately be reached for comment as he was conveniently and somewhat suspiciously in Panama on “official business.” Sources close to Cayblogger say that Mr. Markoff is scheduled to travel to Cuba and then on to North Korea.
Mr. Markoff submitted a written response to Cayblogger in which he said, “Don’t you think if I was a Communist and wanted to hide I would have changed my last name a little bit better than ‘Markoff’?” Nice try comrade – that’s exactly what you want us to think you DIDN’T do.
Markoff’s hiding in plane sight is not working, and his attempts to turn the Compass into a collective cooperative with the rank-and-file staff serving as an oppressed proletariat to ultimately line the pockets of the publisher Brian Uzell while exploiting the workers have been flying since Hurricane Ivan; which as we all know was the result of a plot by Communist China to destroy our infrastructure and take over our banks to fund their efforts to destroy the Koreans and move toward global implementation of their new Communist world order.
Mr. Markoff was also key in planting David Ballantyne inside the Cayman government, where he completely made a pig’s ear of the Euro Bank – another Communist plot designed at disrupting the world’s monetary system shortly before the inception of the European currency consolidation (Euro), in an attempt to re-establish socialist economic policy as a global force.
Mr. Markoff would not comment on his future plans in Cayman and referred Cayblogger to his publicist and childhood friend from Cleveland, Ohio – Nikolai Krzyblmnevrczk.
Cayman immigration officials as well would not speak as to Mr. Markoff’s presence on the Island but did issue a statement that read, “Comrade Markoff is one of the last of a proud people who believe in the fundamental ideal that the collective will of a strong leader, coupled with the sweat and blood of a devoted citizenry, can benefit the political regime focused on the means – at any cost - to accomplish the goals of our doctrine. Discipline, duty and a strict adherence to isolationist policy are making a comeback, and we hope our comrade is with us on that glorious day when true greatness in leadership is witnessed wearing the fisted and iron glove of equality, for all non-dissenters.”
When contacted for comment, Leader of Government Business Kurt Tibbetts said simply, “Huh?”
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