Cayblogger - THE Cayman Islands' Blog Man

Maths Competition Scandal

Creek Primary student and maths competitor Jerry Ebanks is allegedly under investigation for cheating during the recent Maths Competition at John Gray High School.

A photograph on the front page of the Thursday 23 February 2006 Caymanian Compass shows Ebanks apparently looking at fellow teammate Joshua Dilbert’s answers. Organizers of the event say that cheating is not allowed – unless you don’t get caught.

Officials from the Maths Competition, Creek Primary and the Department of Education where unavailable for comment – as was Creek Primary School math teacher team coach and former Enron accountant Arthur Bookman.

If found guilty of this serious accusation, Ebanks could be stripped of his third place finish in the competition – which means, according to the rules and results certified by the accounting firm of Robin, Cheatum and Steele LLC, if first place finishers Jerry Morain and Hanis Smith are for any reason unable to fulfill their obligation as Math Champions over the next year, that duty would go to the fourth place finisher who was not named by event officials.

Ebanks was unavailable for comment, but a spokesperson for the mathlete said he feels confident Jerrry will be cleared of all wrong doing, as he was just stretching his neck and eye muscles and not cheating as officials have claimed.

Wanted: Fat People To Run For Office

Although the Cayman Islands elections are years away, a number of Caymanians are already gearing up for the next electoral process – by overeating.

Apparently there is now an unwritten rule that to be the leader of government business, you have to be morbidly obese – which has some political wannabees skipping salads and hitting the jerk stands.

“I wanna be leadah of govment business so bad, I eat 12 meals ev’ry day,” said Bobby “String Bean” Cannelly who is six feet three inches tall and currently weighs 185 pounds. “I figure if I can gain 25 pounds I can be a MLA and once I get in there, I can sit ‘round and do nothin’ and gain anothuh 100 pounds and then I have a chance at gov’ment leader.”

Dr. Frank McField disagrees. McField, kitchen appliance salesman and former MLA, feels that leaders of government business rise through the ranks faster with lighter coloured skin; but regional political experts say “light” is out, and “heavy” is in.

“The fatter you are, the more likely you are to get the nod as leader of government business,” said Dr. Woody Dewer, head of Caribbean Research Analysis of Politicians. “We have CRAP studies that show that fat guys get all the good jobs and the skinny folks do all the work.”

Dr. Dewer said he has piles of CRAP data that suggests that the optimum weight for a Caribbean leader is between 290 pounds and 345 pounds. Fortunately for the Cayman Islands, the last two government leaders have fallen in that range.

“It’s a tricky situation,” Dewer said. “You don’t want to encourage children with political aspirations to become grotesquely obese and put themselves at risk for a laundry list of deadly physical conditions. I guess you just have to pray that someone competent and qualified rises through the ranks – and then gets really fat.”

Government Fat Cats Let Human Starve To Death

I know this particular blog has taken a couple of cheap shots at Dr. Luis Luarca, but at the end of the day the good doctor’s actions – and the government’s lack of action – are very telling.

I’ll say it again – hunger-striking is one of the dumbest things a human being can do and is tantamount to suicide bombing without the explosion and collateral destruction of life and property, so Dr. Luarca will receive no quarter here.

However, his goal is admirable. He wants certain human rights issues addressed. At the end of the day, is he really asking so much? I don’t think he is.

The odd thing about it is he is asking for these issues to be addressed from a government who swears they are dedicated to doing so – and he is asking from the government’s front yard! He’s not hiding behind a pseudonym like yours truly; his brutal honesty and naked passion are commendable.

And in spite of this, these so-called “honourable” government ministers continue to drive past Dr. Luarca to the rear of the glass house, enter through the back door, take the elevator up to their private offices and ignore his request for a meeting.

I don’t advocate answering every nut-job and fruitcake that makes demands; but look at this realistically – his demands (most of them) are valid and are issues the government tries to get the people of Cayman and the world to believe they are addressing.

A government dedicated to human rights and transparency seems all too prepared to let this man die when they hold the power not simply to save his life, but also to FINALLY address vital issues in the Cayman Islands.

The government is now undertaking an exercise to determine the best way forward with freedom of information. How about this? How about meet with Dr. Luarca and give him some information on how you plan to deal with his problem and the problems that others face right here in Cayman and become a part of the solution?!

Until such time as the government is willing to openly and honestly address the tough issues, the term “honourable” needs to be removed from all references to this country’s leaders.

Shame on the government for not walking 20 steps out its front door and embracing – or at least listening to - a man willing to die in Cayman more than he’s willing to live in Cuba.

I say that people willing to die trying to live here are worth more than the people living here willing to let them die.

Net News Publishes Rubbish

Published reports in the Cayman Net News that vehicle licensing fees were increasing to $500 per year for cars and $800 for SUVs was refuted by Leader of Government Business Kurt Tibbetts – proving, yet again, that Desmond Seales is full of crap.

In this unfortunate (yet totally expected) turn of events, Tibbetts said on Newstalk on Rooster 101FM that the story which appeared in the Net News on Wednesday – just a few pages away from that piece of pig vomit written by Carol Hay – is totally bogus. This, according to Rufus T McGilicutty, is precisely the ammunition that wise-asses like him thrive on.

“Irresponsible journalism and sub-par reporting are simply grist for this mill,” McGilicutty said. “Add to that poorly crafted editorials and you’ve hit the cynic’s and satirist’s tri-fecta. The Net News is bigger and bolder; but better? No way. And that can only be good news for smart-alecs like myself.”

Cayblogger has come into possession of stories that made the budget for next week’s Cayman Net News: SISTER ISLANDS SECEDE FROM CAYMAN; STEVE MANDERSON ESCAPES FROM PRISON; DAVID BALLANTYNE NAMED ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL; CHARLES CLIFFORD JOINS UDP; MCKEEVA BUSH GRADUATES HIGH SCHOOL.

Here’s hoping Desmond keeps the BS flowing – God knows Cayblogger will.

Author’s note: If the government raises fees as stated in Desmond’s story, I will give Desmond equal time for rebuttal on this site.

EXCLUSIVE: Local Teen Nails Sheryl Crow

In a Cayblogger exclusive, a local teen explains the real reasons behind the recent break-up of United States cycling icon Lance Armstrong and rock-and-roll hottie Sheryl Crow.

According to a local unemployed busboy named “Silky Smooth Bam-Bam”, the reason why Armstrong broke off the engagement was simple – he nailed Crow.

“Yeah, boy. I gots all up in her face like dis goin’ ‘Yo Crow, ‘sup?’ and she was like ‘daaaaaaamn booooyeeee, you da shizzle!’ and das when I knows it was time ta get frizzle in her va-gizzle,” said Silky Smooth Bam-Bam.

According to Silky Smooth, the two had, “wacky sizzle on the bizzle” where Bam-Bam “pizzled her bizzle tizzle the sizzle come izzle.”

Crow and Armstrong announced their engagement in late-2005; and while on the Island for the Ritz Carlton Grand Cayman’s opening gala this past January, Crow said she and Armstrong were planning a late-Spring wedding. Now those plans have changed.

A publicist for Crow had no comment, while Armstrong’s PR office issued a brief statement: "We wish Ms. Crow the best of luck with that little beeeyotch she met in Cayman."

Silky Smooth isn’t sure what, if any, future he has with Crow but said to date she still hasn’t called him back. “I mean, it’s like dis – I give her my di-gizzle and aks her to call me, ya know. I gots me $200 in pre-paid mizzle to make her phizzle buzzle, so I’m ready when she is,” he said.

Although Silky Smooth comes off as being genuine, Cayblogger thinks he’s full of horse manizzle.

Carol's column stinks... for what it's worth

A friend calls me and says, “Hey Rufus – read Carol Hay’s column in the Net News today.  It is the worst mountain of unintelligible rubbish published since her last one.”

Not wishing to be judgmental, I cleared my mind, opened the paper, read her column, re-read her column, and I have to say for once my friend’s opinion was wrong.  It was not “the worst mountain of unintelligible rubbish” that he claimed.  It was actually a million times worse.

I can honestly say that Carol Hay is the worst columnist in the world.  I don’t claim to be a genius, but at the very least I think I can make a point, take a position, support it and close the thought without any doubt as to where I stand.  That’s pretty much the point of taking an editorial position. 

In her 8 February column, she mentions a “nutter” in an asylum, homosexuality, hermaphrodites, Jesus Christ at Welly’s, God, alternative life-stylers, swingers, “two people of the same sex going at it,” Christians, Sinners, The Bible, ministers, holy war/ jihad, Steven Hall-Jones, the Cayman Ministers Association, a Sin Catalog, judgment day, and the government.

With so many mentions of so many potentially contentious topics - a veritable comedy cocktail - Carol Hay only managed to fall off the fence she was sitting on shortly before tripping over the line in the middle of the road.  On her way to neutral ground she neglected to tell us definitively where she stands.  It’s an opinion Carol – give us an opinion, not some juvenile attempt at humour.

Carol, your column is called “My Take… For what it’s worth” which means you really need to have a take or save the Net News the ink and readers the wasted time.   The only meaningful portion of your column was in the last paragraph when you managed to succinctly tie it all together with six one-syllable words, “I’m out of my depth here.”

Somebody throw her a life buoy and tow her back to the shallow end of the pool where she belongs – PLEASE.  And shame on the Net News for publishing that smoldering pile of meadow muffins in editorial clothing. 

But, you are forgiven for continually using really HOT chicks in your telecom ads!

Editorial - Criminals Are Worthless Dumbasses

I tired to avoid political commentary, but sometimes the runner stumbles...

Proving yet again that criminals are the dumbest most idiotic and pathetic forms of carbon-based life forms on the planet, stupidity personified rears its moronic head.

Hunger-striker Dr Luis Luarca reported that he has been attacked and robbed since beginning his Rammadan-like vigil on the lawn of the Glass House. 

Now, I think hunger strikes are the dumbest form of protest known to man, although I hold hunger-strikers in slightely higher regard than the monks who practice self-immolation, but lets be reasonable. 

Think about this folks:  he's unemployed, has few clothes, no food, etc... and some idiots rob him? Now I'm not one to advocate violence, but if you're dumb enough to rob a homeless person then you are - in my humble opinion - fully qualified to have the crap beaten out of you.

Luarca has no job not for a lack of trying, but due to circumstance.  Criminals are just dumb lazy fecal matter stuck to the shoe of society and it's high time we wiped our shoes of this smelly scourge. Unfortunately, criminals will never see this post.  Even if they did, I doubt they would be able to read it.

At the end of the day, we all know that the self-labled "transparent" Cayman Islands government - in a pathetic gesture of self-righteousness- will hide behind its tinted glass windows, do absolutely nothing, and let this man starve to death.  But at least the government isn't beating the guy up while he's doing it.

Hunger-Striker Needs Smaller Clothes

Unconfrimed reports are that Cayman Islands hunger-striker Dr. Luis Luarca is not losing weight as rapidly as reported by the Net News on page three this morning, but rather he's wearing larger clothes.

Sources close to Luarca say that due to financial constraints, he has been forced to rely on the kindness of Cayman residents who have been donating clothes - and those clothes are just too big.

"There are some very large people here in Cayman," said Luarca's spokesperson Francisco DaVaca-Miedo.  "If the people of Cayman weren't so large, he would not look so gaunt and frail." DaVaca-Miedo asked for donations of clothes in men's medium size.

"We have plenty of women's glittery T-shirts adorned with rinestones that say stuff like "Bitch!" and "Rock Star" in size XXL, but what we need are some short guys to donate some less assuming clothes," DaVaca-Miedo said.  "If Luarca is going to martyr himself for the common good of these other unfortunate (albeit large) people, we want him looking good."

Donations can be made directly to Luarca on the lawn of the Glass House at any time of the day or night. He's unemployed so he isn't going anywhere.

US Number Two On Muslim Hate List

United States President George "Dubya" Bush sent a heart-felt “thank you” and a lovely gift basket from Hickory Farms to Danish Prime Minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen for shifting Muslim hatred away from the US.

Muslims throughout the Middle East united in protest against Danish embassies after a caricature of Muhammed was published in the Jyllands Posten newspaper in Syria.  Several embassies have been torched and Muslims continue to burn Danish flags in protest – this to the great relief of President Bush.

“Now I don’t want any Danishers or Muslimists to misunderinterperet what I’m about to say,” Bush said, “so I will be clear.  The US is determinatedly devoted to the peaceful resolutionism of this horacious religious injustification.  Until then, we are solidifiedly behind our position that we feel it’s about time that those pesky Danists learn what it’s like to feel the wrath of the Muslim faith.”

Bush admitted that caricatures are wrong if depicting religious icons and said if that happens then the publishers of the socially insensitive item must prepare themselves for the consequences.

“What the Danites did by depicitating the holy image of Muhammed is 100% incorrective,” Bush said.  “I mean, I met Muhammed Ali one time and he’s a big ol’ boy, and if I made fun of him, I would expect him to whoop my ass.  If the Daners make fun of Muhammed, they have to expect to get the stuffin’ kicked out of them.”

Bush dispelled rumours that US troops have been deployed to quell uprisings at Danish embassies, but did offer to give Prime Minister Rasmussen tips on how to deal with the press as the current most hated man in the Muslim world.  Regardless of what happens, Bush said he’ll enjoy the number two slot for as long as possible.

“I’m as happy as pig in poo,” Bush said.  “I might actually get a full night’s sleep knowing that for at least a couple of days the Muslims want to Jihad the crap out of someone other than myself.”

Danish representatives were unavailable for comment as they were all too busy packing their bags and purchasing plane tickets to Canada.

Sandra Catron Supports Cayblogger

Cayblogger is happy to report that Sandra Catron and her ego have made a full and complete recovery and both are back on the air supporting those of us in Cayman who strive for free speech and a free-flow of ideas and social commentary.  Well done Sandra!

In what I will describe as a whole-hearted endorsement and resoundingly positive testimonial, Sandra wrote Cayblogger, "I must say that your site is rather interesting and has some funny postings on it.  Keep it up - it's apparently a fun read for a lot of people.  Hope that you will be able to tune into the show from time to time... heck; it would be good to have you on sometime... if we can protect your identity!"

Cayblogger is happy to hear from the talk show host that all is well and reminds blog readers that free speech abounds on her HOT 104.1FM talk show, "Straight Talk" which airs Monday through Thursday from 5 pm to 7 pm.  Cayblogger is also happy to find out that Sandra gets it!  After all, the most sincere form of flattery is satire, right?

For more information on upcoming guests on Sandra's show, check out her website at www.hot104.1fm.ky or go directly to www.straighttalk.ky.

This was not a paid advert, but for those of you looking for a shameless endorsement of your business or product, kudos such as those offered by Sandra are gladly accepted in  trade.  Money works too.