Cayblogger - THE Cayman Islands' Blog Man

GIS: Essential For...Nothing

Water. God created it. Moses parted it. Jesus walked on it, turned it into wine and calmed it. But just how important is water? Who knows…

Wait a minute. Stop the press. According to GIS, water is essential for living? Holy crap! And just how long has GIS been keeping this little gem under wraps?

Water is essential for living… now – FINALLY! – everything is starting to make sense.

You know, if it weren’t for GIS I would never have known that water – oft called the “elixir of life” – is essential for life on planet earth; and it’s mere presence in an environment means the possibility for life exists, which is why scientists are hoping to find water or ice on Mars to help support their theory that the red planet could have supported – or could currently support – life.

Water is essential for living. Thanks GIS. Kids are driving their cars into power poles; bankers are being barbecued in car boots; psychotic crack-head politicians (who shall remain nameless but his name rhymes with dr Frank McField) are spitting on cops; exactly 17 people are well-educated about constitutional reform; people are being shot… and we have a department called “Government INFORMATION Services” telling us how to flush our toilets more efficiently?

Just how vital is GIS to Cayman? Just vital enough that in an election year and amidst all the garbage that is taking place in Cayman, we can rely on GIS to take our minds off the issues of the day by telling us that we need water... Brilliant.

I gotta tell ya, there is something very wrong with a system that allows this abortion of mis-guided government waste to go un-checked. If I was the chief secretary I’d give everyone at GIS a week off – then I’d fire them and burn down the GIS office.

Furthermore, I find it disturbing that the government pays cut-rate public relations hacks to write about the importance of water while I write acerbic and topical political wit and point out the ridiculous and ludicrous flaws which are this land’s inherent vice in hopes that people will wise up and do something about it - and I have to beg for tips (which, by the way, have been slow the past few weeks…)?

Please allow me to clarify a few things so we can move forward and GIS can hopefully focus on frying bigger fish, which live in water because apparently it’s essential for their lives as well.

Water is essential, food is essential, housing is essential, clothing is (often) essential, transportation is essential, health care is essential, air to breath is essential. In one sentence I totally informed everyone about standard life-sustaining and supporting essentials, and screwed up the GIS story budget for about six months. But it didn’t cost the government a penny. You’re welcome.

Do we really need a government department to tell us water is essential? Is there nothing else the information services department could be working on? Let’s see… what issue is looming on the horizon that people need to know about that GIS could help us understand?

What is it that is vital to the furtherance of Cayman as a nation and as a viable entity on the planet? What topic should everyone in Cayman have at least a working knowledge of so that prudent and educated discourse might foster positive ideas to the benefit of all who call Cayman home, all who do business in Cayman and all who visit Cayman? Apparently it's water.

Got it GIS. Water is essential for living. Thanks for clearing that up.

I guess it’s a good thing Cayman is surrounded by water on at least three sides (that GIS release will be out next week). Thanks you freaking GIS idiots.

To heck with constitutional reform. Forget about health insurance, education, safe driving, the battle against drug dealers, and building a stronger tourism product. Crime? Screw it! Let’s have our government information services put out press releases about how important water is.

But I guess asking them to do anything that is even remotely topical is out of the question as they would need to actually know what they were talking about – which is why they are only barely capable of re-writing a Department of Environmental Health pamphlet to inform us all about the miraculous qualities of this magical liquid called “water.”

If ever there was an example of government waste this has got to be it. Never before has GIS proved itself more useless and worthless than by issuing a press release on water. I’m sure “Air: Essential for breathing” is being polished off by GIS brass as we speak.

Never before have so few done so little for so much money while wasting so much time and informing no one.

GIS: Essential for nothing.

And if you don't agree with me, call Dawn McCoy and leave me a message.

Cayman: The Evolution Of A Modern Society

Murder, gun play, police chases, deadly car crashes, bodies stuffed in trunks of cars that are subsequently set on fire, alleged political corruption, cronyism, a floundering tourism product, over-priced real estate, lagging infrastructure, mediocre public education, an indigenous population with expanding waistlines, a financially strapped government healthcare system…

Congratulations Cayman – you’ve become the United States of America. What the hell took you so long?

The old saying used to be, “When America sneezes Cayman wipes its collective noses.” I’ve amended the saying to, “When America murders; drives drunk; runs from police; suffers under a sub-par yet expensive healthcare system; watches tourism numbers plunge; creates a generation of lazy, under-educated, fat-ass, useless kids who can barely read but who are good at video games; elects under-qualified political representatives and; can’t afford housing – Cayman buries another economy.”

Hats off to Cayman – you’re no longer the “gem of the Caribbean.” You’re now just another island in the Caribbean where people are no longer assured the relatively safe and crime-free atmosphere of a Cayman gone by.

I travel all over the world and I used to look forward to getting back to Cayman. Now, however, Cayman isn’t that special place that I looked forward to coming home to. It’s dirty, people are rude, parents can’t control their children, drug dealers are running rampant (in spite of the best efforts of the RCIP), the roads are unsafe, politicians like “dr” Frank have so little respect for the government and the Cayman Islands they say they love that they kick, spit at, yell racial threats at and threaten to expel the very people that risk their lives to protect the good citizens from psycho, self-absorbed, crackhead assholes like the Frank McFields of this land. (Which begs the question: if Frank was such a staunch Caymanian, why did he open a Cuban restaurant? )

Remember the days when you could go to Durty’s and have a friendly drink and conversation with any number of members of the LA? Remember when having a few drinks and going home involved a taxi and a little good-natured ribbing the next day when you went to get your car? Remember when you could walk the beach at night without being assaulted or offered drugs? Remember when the kids would play soccer instead of video games? Remember when you could walk down Seven Mile Beach Road without being afraid of being murdered or run down by a drunk driver or some dumbass kid running from police? Remember when you truly believed that your MLA was going to actually accomplish a campaign promise instead of waking up four years later and realizing that they just lied to you and wound up at a road block assaulting police officers? Aaaahhh… those were the days.

Well Cayman, kiss those days goodbye. You’ve begun the slide down the long slippery slope into the status quo of western society. Murder, road fatalities, crime, poor education, lame healthcare system, drunk and disorderly self-proclaimed political leaders… these are no longer exceptions but rather the rule. How did this happen?

Ego.

The Cayman Islands government is so full of itself and so jazzed on maintaining this Cayman-centric view of the world that it failed to see (or rather blatantly ignored the obvious fact) that you can’t run a nation on slogans, double-speak, national pride and good intentions. It takes education, experience and know-how. Absent these things all you have is an island developed just enough to allow the residents to live comfortably while the walls of the castle crumble around them.

I’ve heard it said that in the absence of knowledge sometimes doing nothing is actually better than pretending to have the knowledge and acting upon it – with dire results. The politicians should be held to the same Hippocratic tenet as doctors: First – do no harm.

However, the local politico actually subscribes to the notion of: First – do whatever you want and if it doesn’t work out, point and blame.

Constitutional modernization? We’re well past that. Independence? Hell – you might as well change the flag colours to black, gold and green and re-name Cayman the South Jamaican Islands.

Regardless, Cayman’s position as a financial leader is slipping. Its self-imposed moniker of the “gem of the Caribbean” should be stricken from the books… and you can’t blame the populous for that. One need only look into the LA to find the culprits.

The egomaniacs who claim to want what's best for Cayman are so busy covering their own asses that they've completely forgotten that their job is to cover OUR asses. In doing so they have contributed to the ruination of this once idyllic island paradise and turned it into a cheap knock-off of every other westernized nation in the world. All we're missing is a US Embassy with armed Marines.

I just wonder why it took Cayman over 500 years to accomplish everything the USA accomplished in 230.