Dr. Jack Kevorkian - also known as Dr. Death for assisting more than 100 people shuffle off this mortal coil with dignity and relative ease of pain instead of suffering the death throws of wallowing in vomit, urine and feces, rife with bedsores rotting flesh inattentive health care staff and exorbitant health care costs that ultimately would be born by the distraught survivors or an already over-taxed welfare system paid for by the public – also known as assisted suicide – also known as mercy killing – also known as playing God – was released from prison after serving eight years for doing all that stuff I just mentioned.
Dr. Kevorkian has vowed that he will no longer assist anyone in peacefully transcending existence (wink, wink), but has promised to support legislation that would legalize a terminally ill patient’s right to die - effectively adopting the Bill Clinton, "I smoked but I didn't inhale" or "I stuck my ----- in her mouth, but we didn't have sex," theory of culpability.
As is usually the case, there is more to this story than simply the facts reported by credible news sources.
Word from the Cayman Islands Health Services Authority is that Dr. Kevorkian will begin a stint at the George Town Hospital as a “special consultant.” While his duties have yet to be defined, the HSA has announced that he will be an instrumental factor in helping the hospital’s bottom line.
“We feel Dr. Kevorkian’s wealth of experience with terminally ill patients puts him in a unique position to be able to assist the HSA in transitioning to a medical centre that places patient’s rights on par with the facility’s desire to provide the most cost-efficient services to the people of the Cayman Islands while operating within the financial boundaries of government subsidy and private funding that could possibly lead us to a financial break-even point,” stated a leaked HSA internal memo.
It goes on to say, “Far too many patients linger in our facility far too long receiving very expensive and very inadequate care, or receiving care that simply prolongs the inevitable to such an extent that finance takes a back seat to prudent provision of care. Simply put: the longer a person is in the hospital and the more times he comes back, the more expenive it becomes to keep that person alive and healthy and Dr. Kevorkian, we feel, can put an end to this fiscal phenomenon.”
One unnamed HSA board member told Cayblogger that the HSA has been searching for ways to cut costs in an effort to reduce the overwhelming debt that has besieged the hospital for years now; and said that if the HSA can discharge more patients faster and without incurring further on-going expenses associated with expensive inpatient procedures or pesky follow-up care, the HSA might have a fighting chance to balance its books by the year 2074.
How does the HSA plan on doing this? By, as the memo stated, "... helping things along when either physician experience or financial resources are unavailable."
“Our philosophy is this: dead people don’t drain the medical system like the live ones do,” the memo stated.
While some people believe this business model is destined for failure, others in Cayman feel that the hospital has been unknowingly helping people into an early grave for years – with Dr. Kevorkian, at least the path to the Almighty is clear – as is the accompanying fiscal policy.
“Dr. Kevorkian can help end lives peacefully and respectfully and will be available to all patients who enter the HSA who could benefit from a dignified transition to a higher and less financially burdensome plane,” the internal memo concluded. "We don't want to simply have someone to point the finger at, but this does ease the burden our doctors have of actually being charged with adhering to rule number one of the Hypocratic oath."
Dr. Kevorkian could not be reached for comment, nor could the employer sponsoring his work permit (Bodden Funeral Home) but his local spokesperson told Cayblogger that Dr. Kevorkian was looking into other ways to ply his craft in Cayman either by teaching young kids how to race modified sports cars on public roads, or by driving speed boats that pull wakeboarders in areas where people snorkel.