Cayblogger - THE Cayman Islands' Blog Man

I Am What I Am-ist

As I continue my around-the-world odyssey I find myself with bits and pieces of downtime which gives me time to think and to reflect.

My most recent (yet hardly relevant) moment of clarity happened in an airport when it struck me that – in spite of my open mind and flexibility – I am in quite a few facets of my life, in fact, an “-ist.” That’s right – I am an “-ist.”

Websters defines “-ist” as a noun - a suffix denoting an agent, or doer, one who practices, a believer in.

I contemplated my “ist-ness” one day over free beers in the Admirals Club in Paris whilst awaiting my flight back to this side of the world. Here are a few I came up with.

I’m a male-ist. Not a chauvinist, but a male-ist. I believe that males have been and continue to be the most vital aspect and most influential gender of all human history. Males have been responsible for the lion share of invention and technological advances that we enjoy today.

Males are also responsible for more violence and most of the wars throughout history; which means males also are responsible for the peace treaties as well (yea males!).   

I have nothing against womenists – in fact to a certain degree I am one. I love women. Which brings me to my next point.

I’m a sexist. I love sex. Let me clarify… I’m a heterosexualist.

I think heterosexuality is the best of all sexual orientations and I love it. If you are a homosexualist then you feel the same about your orientation as I do about mine  The only difference? Heteros don’t wave a flag – which, actually, I think is pretty gay. 

And homosexualists, your feelings are no more or less valid than mine; notwithstanding any religious argument which I am certainly not going make here even though you are all going to burn in hell. 

Which reminds me – I’m a satirist and a smart-assist.

Unlike some of our esteemed leaders here in Cayman, I’m an educationalist – in belief and in practice. I’m also a get-things-done-ist.

In spite of overwhelming anti-American sentiment, I am an Americanist and feel that the current situation in the Middle East overshadows all the good that continually comes as the result of her place in this crazy world.

I’m also a Caymanist (which some would say flies in the face of being an educationist, but I’ve found the right balance of both. I refer, again, back to “smart-assist).  I think the people in Cayman (most of them anyway) are fine people and these islands are a wonderful place to be.  If I wasn't such a travelist I would be here enjoying them more.

I’m a dolphinist, and I believe that swimming with dolphins in captivity is really cool. (I just can’t leave it alone…)

I'm a private-ist and an anonymousist - some of you call me a cowardist, but those are usually the dumbists who send me poorly crafted and anonymous death threat emails, which means they are asshole-ists.

I’m a Godist. I’m a peace-ist. I’m a free speechist. I’m a life-ist. And I’m a racist.

That’s right – I’m a racist; as everyone should be. A human racist.

And I truly believe that the human race, with dominion over all things created by God, can achieve greatness in spite of our inherent vice and in spite of the fact that we are either alike-ists or individualists. Maybe if we weren’t all hypersensitive seriousists we could see this.

My one wish is that at some point we can all arrive at a place in our lives where we can be happyists – because I think a world full of happyists would be the bestest.

BREAKING NEWS: Wendy Moore Arrested

In what can only be labled as "shocking," Wendy Moore was arrested today for illegal possession of an unlicensed firearm.

After a lengthy investigation, Royal Cayman Islands Police Service officers stormed the Moore residence around 4:00 o’clock this morning, arresting Mrs. Moore and seizing the firearm and other suspicious items including a fake sidearm, a pretend ammo belt and a little nip of cognac from the “special cabinet.”

In spite of the fact that after a four-hour investigation by RCIP investigators the gun was determined to be nothing more than a stage prop for the upcoming performance of “Annie Get Your Gun,” the police are taking no chances and Mrs. Moore will be held without bail until the investigation is complete – and the person responsible for importing the prop gun into Cayman can be apprehended and questioned.

“We warn dem dat dis gun ting was a bad idea,” said RCIPS spokesperson PC Dickie Heado. “We tell dem ‘no guns in dat show’ but deh keep on wid de gun even though we got dis zero tolerance on dem guns in Cayman.”

The RCIP spokesperson went on to explain that the senseless pretend violence and hostility toward others with make-believe weapons has got to stop.

The Cayman Islands Drama Society, rocked by the event, has given no indication as to how Mrs. Moore’s incarceration will affect the Society’s production of “Annie Get Your Gun” (May 3 – 27 at the Prospect Playhouse in Red Bay. For ticket information contact Omeria at 949-5054) but they are hoping for the best.

Meanwhile, the RCIPS is being very tight-lipped on the details of their six-week investigation that lead to the pre-dawn raid at the home of Cayman’s former beauty queen turned thespian, but they did say that this blatant flaunting of Cayman’s gun laws could not be ignored and the offending party had to be brought to justice.

The drama society is going ahead with its staging of the show, however due to Cayman’s strict anti-weapon laws the new title will be “Annie Get Your Rolled Up Newspaper.”

The drama society currently is re-thinking whether or not it will produce its next two shows, one being an obscure Arthur Miller one-act play entitled, “I Have A Big Bag of Dope” and the other, a Christmas production of Andrew Lloyd Weber’s little know musical follow-up to his smash hit "Cats" entitled "Cats 2:  The Other White Meat."

Cayblogger officially announces he will audition for the lead in both plays.

New Brand, Same Old Cayman

I’ve been traveling quite a bit and dealing with a very serious condition that, I think, I’ve got on the ropes; but what I haven’t been doing is ignoring the goings on in Cayman. And if laughter is indeed the best medicine, I can thank these islands for the majority of my recovery thus far.

A lot has been said lately regarding re-branding Cayman and coming up with a new logo for Cayman Airways, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t chime in on the topic. What Cayman needs – specifically regarding this re-branding exercise – is a unifying symbol of what the islands represent.

Something that represents its political and economic prowess and its goal to continually battle for its established position of global leadership.

Something that represents its progressive ideals toward self-preservation while at the same time allowing for divergent viewpoints to be embraced and even tolerated upon its shores.

Something that shows the world that Cayman is forging ahead to not only keep up, but lead the way in presenting these islands as a lifestyle location where people thrive in a healthy environment instead of just a place to live.

Something that tells a story of the past but also represents steady progress toward the future. And something that the rest of the world will unmistakably identify as “Caymanian.”

What a minute – I’ve got it! Can there possibly be a better representative symbol of Cayman than a crippled, sword-wielding turtle?

I gotta tell ya folks – I’m with Cay-Rock on this one. Keep Sir Turtle.

Keep Sir Turtle not only for Cayman Airways but for the Cayman Islands as well.

The peg leg represents Cayman’s inability to more forward at even an able-bodied turtle’s pace; and the fact that the leg is made of wood represents the mismanagement of the Health Services Authority and the lack of implementation of current medical technology coupled with inadequate medical service which places in jeopardy the health of all residents who cannot afford to leave the island for medical care.

The sword represents Cayman’s unwavering opposition to all things not Caymanian. Any dissenters shall be run through with the governmental sword of anti-ex-pat rhetoric and anti-human rights immigration policy.

And the fact that all of these afflictions are contained in the form of a notoriously slow sea creature that is impregnated at random and then lays and abandons its eggs/offspring ( I guess this represents West Bay but could also be symbolic of the way the government creates problems instead of solutions and then abandons those whom it once supported to elect new people to create new 'problems' to old 'solutions'...) is not surprising as Cayman seems to follow - not lead – when it comes to issues impacting the residents herein; and anything that may be the slightest bit inconsistent with the way fish tea was made 100 years ago is put on the shelf next to a decade’s worth of unimplemented tourism management policies.

Instead of changing logos and brands, how about changing paradigms first? To do otherwise is like pushing string…