Cayblogger - THE Cayman Islands' Blog Man

Dead Kids 14 - Cayman Islands Government - 0

With just under a week left in 2006, Cayman is on pace to shatter its record of the number of people killed on its roads during the calendar year.

Two more less-than-20-years-old roadsters shuffled off this mortal coil recently, bringing the total dead guys in cars to 14 for the year. Staggering when you think that Hurricane Ivan was only blamed – officially – for one death.

I recently heard tell that Arden McLean would like to place a disproportionately large amount of the blame for accidents on our roads to ex-pats; I think he said something to the effect of “people who come from Canada and the US” who aren’t used to driving on the left hand side of the road. This proves two things: Arden McLean’s grip on reality is loose at best. And he’s an idiot.

Actually, you know why there are so many accidents on our roads? I’ll give you a few reasons: the worst roads in the Caribbean are right here in Cayman; everyone talks on cell phones while attempting to navigate the worst roads in the Caribbean; there are very few traffic/flow control systems in place for people to navigate the worst roads while talking on cell phones; and there are inexperienced youngsters who’s IDIOT parents allow them to modify their cars for speed, thereby endangering themselves and everyone else who is trying to navigate the worst roads in the Caribbean in the absence of effective traffic control measures – while talking on their cell phones.

I don’t have any statistics to back up my next statement, but I’ll say it anyway. I’d be willing to bet that a majority of the recent road kill involved accidents of new drivers or drivers who had some sort of modification on their cars. And I’d be willing to bet that the accidents had nothing to do with nationality – as much as with stupid kids doing stupid things and winding up dead or having killed someone else.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Cayman’s roads are very efficient and effective killing grounds for the youngsters of Cayman; but who’s to blame? The government and the parents.

In the absence of our pathetically myopic government actually prohibiting modified vehicles on our roads, and in the absence of our “leaders” actually adequately repairing our roads, parents must – MUST – control their children. They must NOT allow their children to modify their cars for speed or performance. And if there is any question whatsoever as to the child’s ability to safely operate a vehicle, then that child should not operate that vehicle.

Furthermore, there is no need whatsoever – with the exception of ambulances and fire trucks – for any car to be able to reach speeds of more than 50 miles per hour; especially if that car is being driving by a kid with no experience and no real appreciation for or understanding of the laws of physics governing the activity.

This can be legislated. You drive faster than 50 mph; you don’t drive in Cayman any more. Your car is seized and your privilege revoked.  And the government should use whatever extraordinary means they need to clamp down on this.  Cameras, speed traps… whatever.

You talk on a cell phone while you're driving, you lose your privilege for a year. 

This island is too small and too congested to have idiots on the road who don’t understand that speed kills and the incidents of accidents increase exponentially when you are distracted while talking on the phone.

So accidents will continue to happen and kids will continue to die, and we will continue to mourn, and our government will continue to turn a blind eye, call it a “tragedy” and form safe driving groups that ultimately do little good.

This problem must be legislated – period; because it’s obvious that the parents aren’t doing enough to ebb the tide of young dead bodies being pulled from twisted masses of metal that used to be cars. And NO ONE seems to want to put their cell phones down while navigating these crappy roadways.

And it’s even more obvious that the Cayman Islands Road Safety Advisory Council and MattSafe – while admirable in theory – are making arguments that are falling on deaf ears. If this were not the case, Cayman’s tally of dead kids in cars would not continue to increase each year.

The time for pussy-footing around the problem is over. Idiotic ministers can blame ex-pats all they want, but placing blame won’t keep people alive. It’s time to take car keys out of the hands of people who should not be driving – young and old alike.

And if our government doesn’t take action to eliminate the problems of people killing themselves in cars on crappy roads populated with drivers who don’t pay attention, they may want to loosen the immigration controls. If Cayman kids keep killing themselves at this rate, you’re going to need all the ex-pats you can get to keep Cayman in business.

Caymanian Students Not Be Gettin' What They Entitled To

Just hours after Prince William graduated the military academy at Sandhurst, Caymanians throughout the island cried “Foul!” because all the English kids seem to get all the appointments to all the best schools in the UK.

It’s not been more than several weeks since it was announced that Caymanian students may be able to qualify to attend school at a “local” rate – as if they were resident citizens of the UK – but now Caymanian parents are in an uproar, declaring they are entitled to more. Students aren’t happy either.

"Why we has to go to dem othuh school like de common mon,” said Dusty Furrberger, a soon-to-be high school graduate here in Grand Cayman. “Let me aks you sumtin: Why me no treated like de English kid? What so special ‘bout de English kid? Me deserve de same as him. Me live in de place where da ex-pat always be gettin’ more than me get. Why me not get what me deserve?”

Caymanian government officials have announced they will petition the Crown to initiate a UK student rollover policy that would result in UK-resident students being forced into private schools in order to open spaces for their Caymanian counterparts.

“We feel it is in the best interest of Cayman and the future of these islands to ensure that our students who qualify for those coveted positions at institutions such as Sandhurst get the opportunity to attend,” read another poorly written GIS press release. “English kids have all the opportunities in their country, and the world, to attend any number of colleges and universities. We’re simply aksing that Caymanian students be given preferred treatment so that we can educate them and take back our islands from the scourge of ex-pats who come here to steal our jobs, our land and our heritage.”

Caymanian officials would not comment on the significant percentage of under-paid, under-appreciated and under-utilized “ex-pat scourge” who teach in public and private schools in Cayman. Nor would they comment on steps they were taking to improve conditions in schools in Cayman for teachers and students alike.

No word yet on Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II’s response, but unnamed sources inside Buckingham palace called Cayman’s plan “poppycock” and said the day Cayman devises a plausible long-term educational strategy without the need for foreign subsidy and financial incentive will be a “truly great, yet highly unlikely, event in the annals of education history.  Plus, it's far too cold here for Cayman kids."

In spite of these very salient points, local students aren't satisfied and maintain their entitlement attitude to being given more opportunity.

“Me want to go learn but me no get into dat school what me want to go to,” said Furrberger – who plans to major in his strongest subject in college. English.

Caymanian officials would not comment further other than to say, “Before we move forward, we’ll wait to see where Her Majesty is at.”

In related news, McKeewa Bush's application to Eton has been denied due to height/weight restrictions required of entering first-year students.

CI Government: Gambling Bad, Unless It's With Civil Servant Pension Funds

After a whirlwind trip through the Caribbean I am happy to report that following two weeks of intensive research and a painstaking in-depth investigation, my findings are conclusive based upon the following statement: Gambling is GREAT for the economy.

You see, I spent a week on an island that doesn’t allow gambling another on two Caribbean islands where certain activities banned by the hypocrisy that is our self-proclaimed God-fearing government is allowed – even encouraged. Gambling.

It is fun, challenging, entertaining, a good value for the economy that hosts the gaming and at the end of the day it is harmless.

“But Cayblogger, our local religious establishment and government representatives tell us that gambling is bad and it leads to crime and horrible horrible things – not the least of which is the decline of a modern and Christian society.” Bullsh…

First of all, the argument that gambling leads to decline – on the whole – is categorically flawed. Second – and here’s the kicker so pay attention – are you ready? Cayman is already replete with major flaws; not the least of which is a blanket condemnation of activities about which people who refuse to investigate properly cast on them in order to perpetuate the joke that Cayman is somehow holier or more righteous than other jurisdictions.

I got news for you folks: Cayman is no better or worse than any of its neighbors in any directions; but the inherent foolish pride and myopia prevents a lot of people here from grasping this basic concept.

Back to gambling.

I walked out of my hotel room on a Sunday morning and without giving too much consideration as to what I would do with my one day off from work, I strolled the streets and chose to go to a casino. I walked in, put some money into a gambling machine, played poker, had a couple of drinks, broke even, cashed out and left. 

What DIDN’T I do? I didn’t become a gambling addict, I didn’t gamble away my savings, my house, my retirement or my kid’s college fund; I didn’t take drugs; and I didn’t have sex with a prostitute.

“Why?” you ask? Because there were no hookers or drug dealers at the casino.

Much like Cayman, all of the drug dealers were at the local hot spot which I did visit. I had no shortage of offers from local scumbag drug dealers (I call them “little bitches”) to buy drugs. Made me feel like I was in Cayman at Royal Palms.

Again, I digress…

In the particular jurisdictions I visited it is regulated, controlled and monitored. As such, it is a revenue-generating venture that does not harm the environment, kill turtles, dolphins, butterflies, sharks or any other kind of animal and – here’s the kicker – provides a large number of jobs for locals and puts hundreds of thousands of dollars (if not millions) into the economy.

And two of the jurisdictions do it the right way: they don’t allow residents to gamble, so the revenue generated comes from tourists.

So come on Cayman, get with it. You want 100% employment of Caymanian workers in jobs other than scrubbing toilets and serving food and drink? Build some casinos and do the only thing you’ve been efficient at doing for the better part of recent history: bilk money from visitors and tourists.

If anyone needs me I’ll be at Royal Palms scoring a bag of weed, then I’m going to head to Merengue Town and pay for some sex… when I could be playing the slots in order to make up for all the money the government failed to put into my pension account.

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t mean to imply that the lying government thieves who steal money from our pensions can make up for this misdeed by allowing a revenue-generating activity to be born into Cayman; I mean to say it. Government thieves should help generate money in order to properly fund our pensions; and a great way to do that is to be creative in the financial fleecing of tourists by legally stealing money from people who gamble.

Build the casinos, rig the machines so the house wins, take the money and properly fund our pension plans, and give the tourists something to do at night besides eat fish Cayman style and listen to Canadian bands play cover tunes.

Casinos will be good for the economy which should be all the Glass House Gang needs to move forward. Well, that and the inevitable kick-backs the politicians will get from gaming house owners; but who cares? We all win in the end.

Gambling is good for Cayman. And even if it isn't, I feel more confident at a roulette wheel than I do giving money to the government's pension scheme...