Cayblogger - THE Cayman Islands' Blog Man

Cayman Economic Outlook: Government Drives Up Prices Of Thieves' Dens

It’s official: the Cayman Islands are ridiculously expensive. From overpriced real estate to the extortionately high cost of purchasing every day items, the Cayman Islands is a huge hole in the middle of the Caribbean Sea where a lot of people put most of their money.

There’s no denying that there is a price to pay for living in paradise, but that price is just too high.

Whether it’s Kim Lund and his merry band of self-serving economic prognosticators telling us how great the market is, or the government running out of money for health care and holding liens on people’s private property so they can get health care that isn’t provided by the sham of a health insurance plan called the “standard contract”; you cannot live and work in Cayman affordably and comfortably unless you make CI $50,000 per year – or have 10 roommates and skip lunch.

I won’t bring up the issue of the under-funded pension scheme, other than to say that the government under funding the pension plan of its civil servants is tantamount to theft. Put simply: the Cayman Islands government is stealing from us. They are thieves. Get it? Good.

What’s worse, any time a local business person tries to do something to add value to the islands, local advocacy groups- bent more on saving face than actual species or ecological manifestations of the islands – slow or impede the only thing that will pull Cayman through this tough time: progress.

And the government isn’t without blame either. Poor decisions and bad governance, coupled with political in-fighting and immaturity, have forced our “leaders” to make knee-jerk reactions to a crisis that reached a critical level over a decade ago. Here’s a tip: treat the disease – not the symptom.

And the expulsion policy in its current and potential state will create an even higher level of economic instability and confidence in Cayman. So there you have it – I’ve jumped on the “Cayman is too freaking expensive” bandwagon.

Is anyone going to do anything about it other than impose tighter immigration controls on much-needed foreign labour with the expertise to guide Cayman through these tough times?

Of course they are – they’re going to lower stamp duty and raise the TAX we pay when we use our bank accounts. Whenever there’s an economic problem – print more money or take it from the popluation in the form of hidden tax.

This government, like it or not, is heading down the road to ruin. Unfortunately that road hasn’t yet been paved, rolled, striped or curbed because our leaders didn’t properly fund the project.

Don’t worry though; they’ll find the money in the same place they always find it – in our pockets.

Polonium, Bolonium - Cayman Officials React To Isotope Threat

In the aftermath of an alleged assassination of former Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko, British Airways announced that two of its commercial aircraft tested positive for trace amounts of the substance that killed Litvinenko – polonium 210 – after eating sushi.

However, according to a press release from the Civil Aviation Administration and Cayman Airways, contaminated aircraft should not be a problem for the Cayman Islands. The press release stated, “In spite of concerns of polonium 210, we are confident that regularly scheduled British Airways flights will in no way endanger the health of passengers, guests or residents of our islands.”

In an effort to curb any contamination from entering Cayman, passengers exiting BA flights will be asked to wipe their shoes on a bleach soaked door mat. This technique was used to perfection during the “mad cow” disease travel warnings several years earlier.

Polonium 210, an isotope of the 84th element on the Periodic Chart (Polonium 209), has a half-life of 139 days and is very unstable; and therefore very dangerous – especially when mixed with soy or wasabi.

No one knows exactly an efficient way to neutralize the isotope; however, Caymanian officials are satisfied that the tried and true method of bleach-soaked doormats will be much more effective than the even older method of rubbing a little dirt on it.

Cayman Airways and the CAA are said to be in talks with the HSA, the HIV/AIDS Foundation and the Cancer Society to put bleach-soaked maps outside of all of their facilities.

“Bleach will kill anything,” said Lon Mauer of the CAA. “You put bleach on black and it makes it white. You put bleach on plutonium or the AIDS, and it kill that too. Yeah – bleach will do the trick.”

No one from the radiology department at the HSA could confirm the neutralizing effects of household bleach on a radioactive isotope, but Dr. Sanjee Vadiskanjiakatianiansavarazskiwatchya said he felt confident that the government was taking the proper steps to prevent infiltration of this most insidious matter.

However, the aforementioned doctor did say that bleach will have little or no effect on the following: baldness, acne or herpes, cellulite, obesity, other radioactive isotopes with atomic weights of 83 or less, or really really nasty grass stains.

In spite of this, Cayman health officials have asked local sushi houses to place bleach-soaked mats outside their restaurants; and they are asking all residents to avoid eating sushi purchased or prepared by Russian spies.

Chucky Says, "Dolphins Will Die." Rufus Says, "DUUUUH!"

Charles Clifford, the minister for tourism, has guaranteed that dolphins will die in Cayman waters; more specifically in the dolphin facilities built to house the dolphins so people can come see them, swim with them, watch them do tricks and even pet them.

I want to say “thank you” to Chucky for saying this so that all the dolphin facility advocates and the dolphin-huggers can fill my mailbox with “See? They’re going to kill dolphins!” You know what I say to that? “So what.” That’ right – “SO WHAT?!”

I think we all know where I stand on this issue, but since 47 people sent me emails of various degrees of hatred and anger, allow me a moment of latitude as I bring to your attention other things that will die in Cayman.

Dogs, cats, sharks, various reef fish, sport fish, butterflies, and even human beings (overweight tourists included). And what’s more, some of YOU will die in most inhuman ways. Car crashes, gunshot wounds, stab wounds, drug overdoses, suicide, domestic abuse, etc… and yet the focus remains on a few “fish” (yes I know they’re mammals) who WILL die in captivity while being provided around-the-clock non-stop attention, regular feeding schedules and copious amounts of attention - the same treatment also afforded to some humans.

But really, is anyone really shocked by this revelation that some of the dolphins will die in the water parks, or were you people somehow expecting that Cayman would import the fabled “Immortal dolphins of Zanzibar” to populate the parks?

The shameless dolphin huggers have been saying that dolphins will die in these parks, and now someone agrees with them.  Why the hell are you emailing me?  I've known it all along!

Okay folks, wake up and pay attention here. Let’s go over this one last time. Everything dies. The end.

Does that make dolphin parks okay? No. Does it make them not okay? No.

The long and short of it is that all living things will die – it’s just based upon the gross incompetence inherent in the current water park setting, certain species have less of chance in Cayman than others. My tip of the day: if you go to the doctor and his name is “Ken Hydes,” find another doctor.

So why are you people shocked that little Chucky came out and admitted that dolphins will die? I’ll tell you why – because you’ve taken your eye off the ball.

Here’s another news flash for you: If you go to George Town Hospital, you could die. Matter of fact, someone will die in that hospital this week.

Now, I’m not going to call HSA staff incompetents – but even Minister McKeewa admits that people should not be discouraged from going overseas for quality health care…

Does this mean we should close the hospital down? I mean, we have people in there dedicated to preserving life and treating patients in a humane fashion (or so we’re lead to believe), but sometimes mortality takes over and people will die. Let’s hope it’s not because the staff doesn’t know how to use the life support systems…

Same with the dolphinarium. There will be professionals on staff (eventually, perhaps) to ensure that the dolphins are as healthy as possible during their stay. But dolphins will die.

And before you pull out the, “Yeah Rufus, but the dolphinarium is nothing more than a commercial, profit-driven venture by private investors aimed at turning a profit” I’ll say it for you – the hospital is supposed to be a revenue-generating entity as well.

The dolphin facilities are established to entertain people and make money. The business model is such that profit (or margin) is loaded in to the ridiculously overpriced ticket.

The hospital, on the other hand, has no viable business model and although it is supposed to be a revenue centre it continues to eat money faster than CIMA can issue it; and the government maintains that the HSA should be this altruistic entity present only for the health and well-being of the citizenry with no mechanism in place to ensure that a financial break-even is attained - or even possible – when in reality it is a mismanaged joke of a health care facility that continues to diminish in quality of service and consumer confidence.

So what do we do? We create an under-funded mismanaged health insurance company (CINICO) to bill the government for care of citizenry who can’t afford health care. And then we complain that some private citizens have created a tourist attraction that will lead to the demise of certain species of fish and mammals.

At the end of the day – and this won’t come as any shock – I am more concerned with whether or not I’m going to stand a fighting chance should I be taken to the HSA than whether or not some aquatic dancing monkey is going to outlive me.

Sorry folks, but I’m more concerned with the 50,000 humans on this island being lied to when they’re told the HSA is fully capable of meeting the needs of this jurisdiction and adequately providing for our health care needs, than with a politician standing up and making a statement of fact.

So stop sending me emails about how insensitive Chucky is by telling us that dolphins will die, and start sending letters to Anthony Eden and Pastor Al letting them know that you’re sick and tired of your hospital being financially emasculated by the gross incompetence of totally unqualified senior management.

And don't lose focus on the BIG issue.  While Chucky is standing up telling you an obvious truth, the people responsible for caring for YOU AND I continue to lie to us. Don’t believe me? Ask them where your pension money is…

Ken Hydes, Boatswains Beach Kill Sharks - Spawn New Activist Group

Citing a malfunction in the life support system as the main cause of the deaths of six sharks destined for the predator exhibit at the overpriced water park, Boatswains Beach Managing Director Ken Hydes announced that the facility should be very efficient at killing all sorts of marine animals.

Mr. Hydes recently announced that six sharks held in quarantine died as the result of a mechanical malfunction of the life support system. Mr. Hydes also stated in the Caymanian Compass story that the marine park can expect an eight-to-ten percent attrition rate; but so far the park has far surpassed all expectations and forecasts, and the 100% attrition rate for sharks is a shining example of what can happen with a little bit of Caymanian ingenuity.

Mr. Hydes said he felt confident that the life support system for various species had improved and matured – no word on whether the same can be said for the staff.

After Boatswains Beach so efficiently killed six sharks (that we know of) park management decided after the fact to invite experienced professionals to come down and review, and if necessary overhaul, the life support systems for the park – something that members of the newly formed shark advocacy group All Sharks Should Have Operative Life-support Equipment (ASSHOLE) said should have been done prior to the sharks being stewed by the park.

“Sharks live in salt water. The island is surrounded by salt water. The sharks should still be alive as there appears to be an abundance of salt water in which they should be capable of surviving. Every ASSHOLE knows this,” said ASSHOLE president Palmer Bottombriskly. “The failure by park management to have the requisite skills to properly operate the life support system has ASSHOLE very irritated.”

The Compass reported that Boatswains Beach has been required by local authorities to have numerous permits in order to operate in Cayman. Apparently, none of the permits actually require park officials to know how to keep the animals in the park alive.

Cayblogger will keep you up to date on how many animals Ken Hydes and his staff manage to kill. Mr. Bottombriskly invites all residents interested in being ASSHOLE supporters to join his group in the rear ballroom of the Westin Beach Resort on December 1 for an action meeting. All in attendance will be issued T-shirts and bumper stickers to show their support for all the ASSHOLE members’ efforts to save the sharks.

Also, Mr. Hydes invites all Caymanian residents to Boatswains Beach on Wednesday for free fish tea and shark rundown.

GIS Sells Underfunded Pension Plan And Souls

It’s official – Government Information Services is the most ridiculously and shamelessly pathetic government organization in Cayman; and Geroge Alleyne will be working overtime in order to make enough money to buy his soul back from the devil.

Check out this link: http://www.gov.ky/portal/page?_pageid=1142,1820863&_dad=portal&_schema=PORTAL

Once you’ve had a chance to read it, will someone please explain to me why this release ever saw the light of day? What’s more… is there anything positive about this news as the release’s headline suggests?

I’m no public relations guru and would never ever sell out and work for a joke of an organization who would put their name on a piece of garbage like the aforementioned press release, but since when does a $165.7 million deficit equate to labeling a pension scheme “stronger”; especially given the fact that the pension fund relied upon by thousands of current and former civil servants is under-funded by 55%?! Does anyone else get this? Am I retarded?

That’s right. The aforementioned press release from Government misInformation disSevices mentions that the total liability of the fund is about $300,000,000 and the total value of assets under management is about $135,000,000.

Allow me one disclaimer before I arrive at my point.

Disclaimer: I do not know what funding level the government considers “acceptable,” but if there is a significant ex-pat population subject to being rolled over and possibly taking their money and leaving the island, they may want to think of exactly what their short-term liability is before they start telling us that it should take 20 years to bring the fund up to an acceptable level of funding. A massive and consistent short-term distribution could skew their numbers…

Point: WHERE IN THE HELL IS THE MONEY? Will someone please ask these people where the money is? And, at the very least, will someone please ask them where the accounting is for the misappropriated funds?

And before you start screaming, “The US social security system is bankrupt,” – shut up. No it’s not. It’s underfunded and could – “could” – be in trouble in about 75 years. And the US Government can account for the money that was/is re-appropriated from social security to other government programmes. The Cayman government can’t – or won’t.

I understand that a pension fund isn’t going to be 100% funded, but how did we arrive at a point at which the fund is light by nearly $170,000,000, or 55%, and the only explanation we get is the financial secretary telling us not to worry and that he should have the problem fixed in 20 freaking years?!!

And why is GIS trying to convince us that for some reason being underfunded by 55%+ is somehow positive, “stronger” or “soaring?” Are the GIS staffers really that stupid? Don’t answer that.

George Alleyne writes in a GIS press release, “The Public Service Pension Plan carries an inherited liability of $300.6 million, and when set off against the assets of $134.9 million there remains a deficiency of $165.7 million. The Parliamentarians’ Pensions Plan shows a deficit of $13.3 million when the liability of $15.5 million is set off against assets of $2.2 million.”

So basically, out of a total potential liability of $316,000,000 the plans have actual assets of $137,000,000. Do the math. 43% of the potential liability of civil servants’ pension plans is funded. Fifty seven percent is not present NOR is it even accounted for!!

If civil servants aren’t pissed off about this, we should be. This is not the government’s money – this is our money.

At some point in this government’s history there needs to be accountability. The government consistently passes the buck, places blame on former ruling majorities, uses Hurricane Ivan as an excuse, or just plane ignores situations in hopes they will go away.

But they need to realize that their fiduciary liability – and their failure to maintain their responsibility – is a lot more of a potential financial burden than they are capable of writing a cheque for.

They can’t afford a hospital failure, they can’t afford present levels of funding a miserable hospital and health insurance scheme; and they certainly can’t afford screwing up thousands of people’s pension plans. But apparently they can pay no-brained idiots like GIS to pump out press releases telling us that a $170,000,000 deficit equates to a “stronger” pension plan.

Remember when George Alleyne used to report the news instead of attempting to warp reality? Oh well – I guess he can afford to retire on 43 cents on the dollar.

If nothing else, forget everything I've just written and simply ask your government this one question:  Where is the money?

165.79 Million Reasons Why The Government Sucks

The following is a draft of an open letter to civil servants by FS Ken Jefferson, provided to Cayblogger from one of Desmond Seales' "sources close to the situation."  This is just a draft - no word on the final version, but when I get it, you'll get it.

Dear Civil Servants past and present,

It has come to our attention that your pension fund is grossly under-funded – but don’t worry; your money and your financial future is in the capable hands of government financial managers of the fifth leading financial center in the world.

It appears that we overestimated fund performance and underestimated our abilities as fiscal managers to be able to appropriately account for your retirement money, upon which rests your and your families’ financial futures – but don’t worry; your money and your financial future is in the capable hands of government financial managers of the fifth leading financial center in the world.

Apparently something happened between the time we took money from your paycheque and the time at which we were supposed to have appropriated it to a retirement account segregated for civil servants, as promised; and although we accounted for the below average growth on paper, we did not actually have the money to put into an account to accept any interest earned because we spent it on other things – but don’t worry; your money and your financial future is in the capable hands of government financial managers of the fifth leading financial center in the world.

It has taken us decades to figure out that we are approximately $166,000,000 under-funded, in spite of the fact that accounting mechanisms should be in place to help us account for any discrepancies at or above an acceptable threshold – but don’t worry; your money and your financial future is in the capable hands of government financial managers of the fifth leading financial center in the world.

Unfortunately we do not employ basic accounting procedures such as semi-annual testing or annual audits in such a manner or to such a degree that a problem of this magnitude would have been detected, foreseen, or prevented prior to it ballooning to nearly $170,000,000 – but don’t worry; your money and your financial future is in the capable hands of government financial managers of the fifth leading financial center in the world.

It shouldn’t take us more than 20 years to make up the difference by implementing a forced increase in contribution by all civil servants, effectively forcing you to pay for our fiscal mismanagement while reaping absolutely none of the benefits of additional earned interest – but don’t worry; your money and your financial future is in the capable hands of government financial managers of the fifth leading financial center in the world.

In spite of the fact that we have a full-time pension board charged with the task of managing your funds, we have consistently under-performed and under-paced not only inflation but prevailing market performance as well – but don’t worry; your money and your financial future is in the capable hands of government financial managers of the fifth leading financial center in the world.

While we endeavour to figure out just what the hell happened and how in the hell we’re going to appropriately and adequately account for your financial future, we ask that you please don’t worry; your money and your financial future is in the capable hands of government financial managers of the fifth leading financial center in the world.

Respectfully,

Ken Jefferson, Financial Secretary of the fifth leading financial centre in the world

ps - It has come to our attention that your government-owned hospital and subsidized health insurance company (CINICO) is deeply in debt and run by a bunch of idiots with no education or experience – but don’t worry; your health and welfare is in the capable hands of government financial managers of the fifth leading financial center in the world…

pps – Sorry about that. Enjoy Pirate’s Week. Arrrrrrrgh! Pension money soon come.

Give That Job A Hand!

In what is being described as nothing more than a big misunderstanding, the Royal Cayman Islands Police has released a Russian man and dropped all charges of indecent behaviour and solicitation of prostitution.

The misunderstanding began several weeks back when Russian tourist Yuri Nsampul approached an undercover RCIPS officer at a local Cuban restaurant and asked where he could get a “hand job.”

Mr. Nsampul was immediately arrested and held without bail on suspicion of indecent behaviour and solicitation. However, after four days behind bars, Mr. Nsampul’s attorney notified RCIPS officials that Mr. Nsampul was actually a hand model from Buttkrakistan, in the Cayman Islands on holiday and simply inquiring of any hand modeling jobs that might be available from any of the local jewelry shops.

“We are most embarrassed that this happen to such nice man,” said Zrvygny Krkystanyvck. “Mr. Nsampul is world famous hand model and want nothing more than get hand job in Cayman from local jeweler.”

Mr. Nsampul told Cayblogger that he meant no harm and regrets any inconvenience the incident may have caused the RCIPS.

“I am most sorry for incident and want make up for any problem I cause with police,” he said. “I meant only look for work and everyone say I want hand job I go to Cuban restaurant at The Strand; but hand modeling is very hard – even more hard is it to find owner of successful jewelry store in Cayman willing to give Russian hand-job.”

While most jewelers declined comment, one unnamed person from Kirk Jewelers told Cayblogger that he was not aware of anyone on his staff who was qualified to accommodate Mr. Nsampul.

“It is not our policy to advertise for the most coveted position of hand model for our products,” the spokesperson said. “Hand models wanting hand jobs need to submit their credentials and their folios to the proper agencies. The hand jobs we offer are highly sought after, and those receiving our hand jobs don’t just come and go. They stick around for the long term and are offered hand job after hand job until they’ve either had enough, or their work permit runs out.”

No word on when Mr. Nsampul will be leaving the islands, but word from the inside is that he is sticking around in order to file charges against dr Frank McField who assaulted him in George Town lock-up after Mr. Nsampul told dr Frank what he was in for.

“I just make small talk and say, ‘I really really want hand job’ and he go crazy wild,” Mr. Nsampul said. “First he spit on me, then beat me with his large King Kong-size hands. It craziest thing I see.”

RCIPS declined to comment calling the incident a “cultural misunderstanding.” Mr. Nsampul could face a bit of trouble with the immigration department for looking for a hand job without a work permit.

dr Frank Inks Lucrative Appleton Deal

Political pundits throughout the region are questioning the motivation behind Appleton Estates’ move to endorse Cayman’s own failed politician and town idiot dr Frank McField.

The long-time Jamaican rummery has initially announced that it will offer dr Frank a lucrative three-year deal to represent the distillery throughout the region. While no official figures have been made public, sources close to Appleton Estates say the deal could be worth USD $2.5 million – a substantial amount more than dr Frank earned in kickbacks from the Italian affordable (aka “crappy snap together houses”) housing company.

“We’re shocked. Shocked that such a responsible business like Appleton would step in and engage themselves in a personal endorsement contract with a man who can’t hold his liquor,” said Wallace “Chippy” Ferguson – former member of the Jamaican government. “Mr. McField’s behaviour in and out of politics is an embarrassment to politicians everywhere, and we think Appleton’s interests would be better served endorsing a person of higher moral fibre – and with a higher tolerance for the drink.”

As if screwing up the affordable housing deal, getting his butt kicked in an election, perpetuating his idiocy with his self-serving TV show, and supporting Caymanian heritage by opening a Cuban restaurant weren’t enough, dr Frank recently made an even bigger ass of himself by climbing the rum tree and then climbing down only long enough to insult and assault (allegedly) members of the RCIPS.

However, this latest foolish behaviour is believed to have helped sway Appleton officials to seal the deal, in spite of the fact that Appleton's latest branding effort includes the slogan "Rum.  All grown up."

Cayblogger received a draft copy of dr Frank’s personal servitude contract with Appleton and as their regional representative he will be in charge of marketing Appleton as its official regional spokesperson, increasing Appleton’s market share in Cayman and the Western Caribbean and – quoting from the draft contract, “drinking so much freekeeng rum dat de mon he pee Appleton and sweat out de cola.”

Although dr Frank was unavailable for comment, he will be at Mango Tree this Friday from 5pm to 7pm handing out Appleton T-shirts, where customers can enjoy 2-for-1 Appleton drinks of whatever is left over after dr Frank arrives at noon.

In related news, there appears to be no truth to the rumour that Kurt Tibbetts and McKeewa Bush have been contacted by Fergie to possibly garner an endorsement from Weight Watchers, but Linford Pearson has been contacted by Just For Men and Rembrandt.