Although the Cayman Islands elections are years away, a number of Caymanians are already gearing up for the next electoral process – by overeating.
Apparently there is now an unwritten rule that to be the leader of government business, you have to be morbidly obese – which has some political wannabees skipping salads and hitting the jerk stands.
“I wanna be leadah of govment business so bad, I eat 12 meals ev’ry day,” said Bobby “String Bean” Cannelly who is six feet three inches tall and currently weighs 185 pounds. “I figure if I can gain 25 pounds I can be a MLA and once I get in there, I can sit ‘round and do nothin’ and gain anothuh 100 pounds and then I have a chance at gov’ment leader.”
Dr. Frank McField disagrees. McField, kitchen appliance salesman and former MLA, feels that leaders of government business rise through the ranks faster with lighter coloured skin; but regional political experts say “light” is out, and “heavy” is in.
“The fatter you are, the more likely you are to get the nod as leader of government business,” said Dr. Woody Dewer, head of Caribbean Research Analysis of Politicians. “We have CRAP studies that show that fat guys get all the good jobs and the skinny folks do all the work.”
Dr. Dewer said he has piles of CRAP data that suggests that the optimum weight for a Caribbean leader is between 290 pounds and 345 pounds. Fortunately for the Cayman Islands, the last two government leaders have fallen in that range.
“It’s a tricky situation,” Dewer said. “You don’t want to encourage children with political aspirations to become grotesquely obese and put themselves at risk for a laundry list of deadly physical conditions. I guess you just have to pray that someone competent and qualified rises through the ranks – and then gets really fat.”